I like sex. I like it a lot. Over a year ago, though, I decided to take a pass…indefinitely.
There was no moral or religious code driving my decision. I’m perfectly comfortable with having premarital sex. For me the decision was all about ending the senseless cycle of choosing what I don’t want. It was about getting honest with myself and standing in what I truly wanted. It was about getting that the vajayjay vote is a powerful way of signalling to the Universe that you want more of what you’re voting for.
See, I had become really comfortable being that chic who was cool with whatever, you know, the gray area. As long as the gray area was defined explicitly, I knew how to be there. I knew how to love a man deeply, passionately even and at the same time respect his honesty. I had evolved into a woman who was so deep she could flow in the “what is” of a relationship that in actuality wasn’t. I was a master at acting girlfriend-ish. I could do it graciously, generously and without drama. I was cool like that.
But, the truth was, I wanted a partner, even while I was practicing the art of not pushing... of letting him be where he be, I wanted to build a life with a man who wanted to build a life with me. I wanted monogamy, exclusivity, commitment. I wanted a husband, a life partner.
But, the even deeper truth, is that despite the words that were coming out of my mouth, I didn’t truly believe I could have all that that meant to me. I felt unworthy; not unworthy of any particular man. It was a general all-purpose unworthiness. Just unworthy. Period.
And, so, I voted with my vajayjay for what I didn’t want in a subconscious effort to avoid the pain of voting for what I really wanted and not getting it, because I didn’t deserve it.
It was that simple. And, because it was, the antidote was just as simple. Stop choosing what I don’t want. Become the partner with whom I want to share my life. Step into that life and fill it with nothing but wonderful. Leave enough space for him to step in, too.
And, when he does, wield that vajayjay vote over and over and over again.
