The Mama Spot

Meet My New Baby!

That's right!  For months now, I have been pregnant and keeping it a secret.  "Pregnant!?" you say (while trying not to judge me.)  Yes!  Pregnant!  Pregnant with possibilities!  Pregnant with purpose!  And, today, I can barely contain myself as I introduce you to my baby...WeParent.com!

Several months ago, I decided to start blogging as a way to build up a writing routine that would eventually lead to my authoring a book about African-American parents and co-parenting.  My first blog, as some of you know, was actually called WeParent and was going to be about my co-parenting experience.  It lasted two posts, one about my pissedoffedness with my son's father over the booster seat and the other about why I feel so passionate about co-parenting.  

Then, I started The Mama Spot...and fell in love.  I discovered a gift, a new way of connecting, a community...an entire new universe.  And, somewhere along the way, I also discovered a calling.  When you weren't watching, I was becoming convinced that by sharing my rocky journey through self-growth honestly and humbly, I could help people find a path to change in their own lives and eventually find a way there, myself.  

As that new consciousness was converging with this role called "co-parent", I committed myself, perhaps for the first time fully, to one of my "brilliant ideas" (You would be shocked to know how many others are sitting dusty in drawers, closets and long lost notebooks.)  I stepped into that awesome space of allowing my faith to be stronger than my fear; of truly believing that my "..playing small does not serve the World."  And, that one step propelled me into a mission to create a space where  mothers and fathers like my son's Daddy and I can find information, healing, encouragement, advice and perhaps even joy as we parent together even though we now live apart.

Sleep and meals have become distractions as I find myself getting high off this thing!  It truly has become my baby.  And, as far back as its conception, it has been surrounded by the love of an unwavering village for which I feel endless gratitude.  As I stand here before the Academy...oh...my bad...wrong speech!  But, really, there a are a few people who I need to big-up for their role in this birthing process...and a whole lot more who I'll thank outside of the blogosphere.  So, here goes:  (pulling list out of lapel pocket)  Shout out to Ronald, my technology guru and unfailing cheerleader; my son's father, who shall remain nameless, but who made all this possible by being my Baby Daddy (and who has been supportive even when it means that his business gets shared with all of you); my own Daddy who is a constant voice of encouragement; and to John of Sozo's Design who brought the vision to life and who has truly offered this as a labor of love...a website Baby Daddy of sorts.  Renee of CutieBootyCakes, my cyber-inspiration among many other great things; and Tish who provided the creative vision for the site.  And, of course, to so many others whom I count among the miracles that guided me to and have joined me in this exciting new adventure.

So, now, finally, here's what you'll find on WeParent.com:

• Blogs like MamaSpeak and Fatherhood Freestyle where a team of blogging Mamas and Daddy's tell what's on their minds
• Columns like Real Families, which features co-parents making it work and Words from the Wise, our advice column
• WeParent Connect our online community where members write their own blogs, engage in discussion forums and share cute pics of their kids
• And lots more...

I hope that each of you will visit the site, and share it with someone you think might benefit from the support of a community of parents and parent advisers focused on strengthening our families.  And, don't fret, now that we've launched, I'll be back posting weekly on The Mama Spot.

I can't wait to hear what you think about WeParent!  Please spread the word!

My Passion for BabyMamahood

A friend of mine has accused me on more than one occasion of being passionate about being a Baby Mama.  Well, I'm not.  So, there's my answer to that, attitude included.  

What I am passionate about is my child.  Period.  His existence has given my life a purpose, or guided to me to a purpose, that had been hidden from me before.  So, there.  But, in the spirit of not just sticking my tongue out at my questioner, I decided to re-post a piece I wrote on another blog.  I think this one speaks to why I am passionate about co-parenting:

Sitting in my cousin's bathroom over seven years ago now, I looked at that little dipstick and immediately felt shame, confusion and pure fear at the fact that I had just become a statistic...a Baby Mama.  Fortunately, at the age of 30ish, I was able to get over it and approach my pregnancy and motherhood as a grown woman.  But, I wasn't alone.  There was a man involved...a man who I had just days earlier told that I wasn't ready for an exclusive relationship and who had told me the same; a man to whom I was not committed and who was not committed to me.  He was now a Baby Daddy.

I'm blogging because, I am proud of us.  I am proud of me, and I am proud of him.  On the day I told him over the phone from across the country that he was about to be a father, we both committed to nothing else but building a friendship and a parenting partnership that would allow us to raise our child to the best of our ability with the least amount of drama.  And, a six-year-old son and three years after our break-up later, through challenges, disagreements, can't-stand-you-don't-want-to-even-look-at-you-ever-again arguments, we are still here...friends and co-parents getting better every year.

I am blogging because, when we look around us, we don't see many other co-parents who share the type of relationship we have.  We haven't figured it all out.  We are both still experts at pushing one another's buttons.  And, as you read in my first post, we have our own brand of drama every now and then.  But, what we have found...have claimed...is that we are Family.  Through our incredible son, we have become Family.  That means that when it gets tough; when we don't want to deal with the drama; when it feels like we can't resolve some conflict, we keep trying.  We will not walk away from the original commitment we made to one another. 

It's challenging, of course.  There are days when it seems like it might be easier to just walk away, not deal with one another.  But, there are more days when we laugh about something our son has said, beam together about his latest accomplishment, and frankly, pat ourselves on the back about what we have built together as parents.

I'm blogging as a way to try to get better at this; to find or stimulate the discussions and sharing that will get us there.  And, I'm blogging to spread the word to other Baby Mamas and Baby Daddys that it really is possible to parent together...perhaps imperfectly...but together.  And, it is necessary for the sake of our children. 

So, I'm blogging to say that even though we are Mothers and Fathers who are not together romantically, we can be family...and we must, for our children.  All the statistics...which I'll detail in another post...tell the story of the advantages that children enjoy when both their parents are actively involved in parenting.  And, the advantages are even greater when they are actually partnering in that process.  The flip side, of course, is that when we don't sort through the drama, when we give up on the possibility, our children suffer emotionally, financially, educationally.

I'm blogging, because this is important, and I want us to embrace these new Families we have created through whatever circumstances.  I believe in our potential to do better for our children and for ourselves.  And, I believe that there are other Mothers and Fathers trying to figure this out, too.

My Baby Daddy and me?  We are Family.  Our son made it so.  We will not walk away from this, because if we do, on some level, we are walking away from him.

Thanks for joining me on this journey.

The Work--Join Me in Getting it Done

Tonight, in a class I'm taking, I was introduced to Byron Katie and her process called The Work.  I only have about 30 minutes experience with it, but I've already found it incredibly enlightening.  Katie asks you to identify a belief, and she provides a Judge Your Neighbor Worksheet to help you with that process...that's the fun part. (I'll be judging my son's father...strictly for the purposes of this post.) Then you're supposed to ask yourself four questions:

1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it's true?
3. How do you react, what happens when you believe the thought?
4. Who would you be withouth the thought?

She then challenges you to turn it around to three thoughts that are as true or truer than your initial thought.  That's right...flip the script on yourself.  So, for example, "My son's father needs to spend more time with our son," now becomes: 

(1) I need to spend more time with my son--Maybe I can be more present with him.
(2) My son's father doesn't need to spend more time our son--Who am I to define their relationship or the journey they must travel together in this life?
(3) I need to spend more time with my son's father--Maybe if we talk more, I will understand him better.

Hmmmmm.  Some things to think about.  The people with whom we surround ourselves are mirrors that often illuminate those areas in our own lives/selves needing our attention.  Co-parenting relationships are no exception to the rule.  The things we hate about, obsessess over, and find maddening about our children's other parent are often the things we need to look more deeply at within ourselves.  At the end of the day, all our efforts to control him or her only lead us to being out of control.

Now, this is sort of, kind of just a quick example, but I thought it would be interesting if some of you tried it out, too.  Surely you must have a neighbor you want to judge.  I'm going to get the book and will keep you posted on how my work is going.  I hope you'll do the same.

This Fly Buzzing In My Ear

I really wish someone had been there to witness this scene I just made.  Picture the caricature on the side of this blog, only with longer hair but still all over my head, holding a bright yellow copy of I Could Do Anything if I Only Knew What It Was.  Got it?  OK, now, add burning red eyes from staying up too late blogging, mismatched workout gear masquerading as pajamas.  OK, that's me.

Now, my almost nemesis.  Picture a ginormous loud-a fly buzzing around in my office and my child's bathroom like it's paying the mortgage.  I swear it was talking junk in my ear and then dodging out into the hallway and back again to harass me.  I promise I tried to muster all the Zen-ness I could find to let it live.  It had been taunting us for hours now.  But, enough was enough, and I decided that I was not going to bed only to wake up to that thing sitting on my couch eating my leftover shrip lomein and watching the Baldwin Hills finale on my DVR...before me.  So, I started swinging that Barbara Sher book like I was about to kill a fly.  He thought he had me cornered when he ducked into my little boy's bathroom.  It smells like pee in there.  That's my kryptonite.  Anyway, long story short, I swang, and swang, and cursed, and swang, and talked mess...and still missed.  Flies are smarter than I thought.  He tried everything.  He'd go low, under the edge of the sink cabinets, then pop up to the far corner of the shower on the other end of the bathroom, floating like a butterfly, trying to sting me like a bee, all the while laughing at me trying to hold my breath.  But, one of us wasn't leaving...and the one wasn't me.  BAM!  Flush!

And, of course, then I came back to my computer ready to try to get this blog listed on Technorati one last time before I headed to bed for my four hours of rest.  Only...all I could hear was that damn fly buzzing in my ear!  But, the fly was dead...mocking me from the grave.  And, I promise, on impulse alone, I picked up the book again, ready to swing.  But there was no fly.

Of course, this all made me think about the conversation I'd had with my son's father just yesterday.  The one in which he said a relatively innocent joking five-word sentence, and I went semi-off.

The connection?  No, he doesn't look like the fly.  Tonight was just a good reminder that sometimes in this whole co-parenting thing, in relationships in general, we find ourselves still hearing the buzzing of that ginormous fly from dramas past, and weapon in hand, we start swinging.  But, if we just sit still for a moment longer, instead we might find that the fly is already dead and that it's finally time to settle into some peace and quiet .  Goodnight!

Shacking is Not Marriage...and I Am Not Divorced

As I do all this research in my effort to become the uber-co-parent, I continue to be struck by how much content and how many resources there seem to be for divorced co-parents.  I find that the guidance is usually very relevant to my situation, but still I feel like something is missing...it's not speaking to me fully. 

My son's father and I were never married.  Frankly, outside of the Creator's requirement that this brilliant child of ours be born, we had no damn business laying down to make a baby.  Destiny demanded it, but we didn't know each other well enough and didn't have anything resembling a commitment.  Ha!  Or so we thought.  Three months into our dating relationship and three days after I realized "it" really wasn't coming, we found ourselves committed for life...but not to each other!  Ends up that our only true commitment was to this busy little, back-talking, hip hop dancing (at least his own flavor of it), personality-for-days phenom of a son.

We did give it a go, shacking for a couple of years, but the fact is, we were never married.  When we split up, there wasn't a court system demanding that we take a four-hour co-parenting class or requiring us to file any official record of how we were going to work together in this parenting game.  We didn't transition to an acceptable "ex-wife/ex-husband" title.  All anybody had to offer us was "Baby Mama" and "Baby Daddy".  And, thanks to Fantasia's anthem (which I still secretly bump when I need a little Mommy motivation) and Fox News, we now have to give that up in the interest of being politically conscious, self-respecting educated Black folk.  And, don't get me started on the soccer games.  It blows my mind how with all the dysfunction that Soledad and CNN shared about our single-female-head-of-household families every dang parent at our son's soccer games is married!  They always assume that because we actually act like we like each other (and, we do most of the time) and appear to be working together well (and, we do sometimes), we must be married.  When I explain that we're not married...and no, he's not my ex-husband, the contorted look of confusion uncomfortably staring back at me cracks me up.  (I think he hates that I do that as much as he hates the idea of me putting our business in this blog.)

My point is not that we unwed parents are discriminated against, although that claim might stir up a little controversial back-and-forth on this tame little site of mine.  I'm just saying that our situation is a little different than one in which a couple has been married.  Not better, not worse.  And, I guess I'm also saying that sometimes I find myself looking for that voice that gets me/us completely, that addresses those subtle but unique aspects of co-parenting between Mamas and Daddies who may have only come as far as shacking...or just having the little one, to keep it real.  Sometimes, the romantic relationship, if it was even that to begin with, only gets that far.  But, some of us still take this parenting with some degree of togetherness seriously.

I'm crying out for my special "ex-something" title that doesn't make Black people shift secretly into Cosbyism and confuse even Black soccer moms.  I want somebody, yes, even if it has to be the court system, to deem it important that I go to a workshop, or website or something that at least offers up a definition of co-parenting.  I want my son's great-aunts to stop telling him that we were married in an effort to cover up the sordid scandal that is our truth.

Now, I don't necessarily know why I want any of this...perhaps that's another post, and perhaps I'm just tripping.  But, just in case, if anybody knows where I can find an organization for single-co-pareting-never-married-professional-telecommuting-New-Age Mommy bloggers, sign me up!

Seriously, though, am I the only one feeling like this?