Thanks for all the feedback on the last post. The respone you didn't see was a long email from a new friend, a Mama, like me, who wants me to blog about the labels we create, accept, propagate like Baby Mama and Baby Daddy. She talked about the stories Soledad O'Brien shared in the Black in America series and her strong dislike for some of the terms we choose to call ourselves as Black parents. And, I am going to blog about that, but just not today...well, not exactly...or maybe, sort of...we'll see.
Yesterday a dear friend of mine told me that one of his colleagues, an Asian woman, upon learning that he was the father of three children, actually asked him--politely and with permission--if all of them had the same mother! Yes, she was accusing him of being a Baby Daddy, and though she didn't say it, it carried with it all of the stereotypical (and sometimes very real) connotations with which we are all too familiar. Much to my surprise, he didn't seem to be angry with her. But, what he was angry about was the experience of never being seen as the hardworking, committed father and husband that he is. He shared his really deep and clearly painful feelings about the invisibility of Black men who are committed, do or die, to being good parents to their children or good partners to their wives, girlfriends and co-parents. And, I am so thankful, because...
The truth is, there is a lot wrong with our families. We all know the part of our reality that Black in America captured much to the disappointment of many who had hoped for more. But, there is a lot that is not wrong with our families, too; and even some that's actually right with them. And, the truth is that Mamas, our men are not perfect. But, just like us in all of our imperfection, there are so so many of them who try, who get better for trying, who love us and our children to the best of their ability and who deserve to be acknowledged for that. I can't tell you how many times I have ranted to my son's father about how he takes all the incredible things I do for our child for granted; how sometimes besides a little child support now and then, besides a little time for myself, besides a little more help, I just need him to tell me that I am a good mother, I just need that acknowleged. I need it acknowleged, because the truth is, sometimes I forget; or sometimes I just need to be lifted up by someone who knows not just where I fall short, but also where I have stepped up, where I hold it down. I need to know that even though I am not perfect, dammit I try really hard to do and be better. Doesn't that count for something?
But, the truth is, sometimes I also want to hear him say it, because I want to know, and I want him to know that I'm the better parent. Of course, I don't say that out loud and only admit it now, because I read A New Earth and am trying to better understand how my ego drives me. And, this is one of those ways. I want to know that I am better, and I want him to know that he is not enough, because it makes me feel better. There...I've said it. I'm not proud, but it's true. My motivations aren't always pure. I'm working on that. But what it means is that maybe I am part of the problem without intending to be. So, there...I said that, too.
Well, actually, I figured it out a couple months ago, but where it has led me is to a place where I better understand that, aha, sometimes despite his imperfection, he also needs to be acknowleged. And, that it is not my place to judge which of us is better, but rather to focus on how to give our child the best of both of us. My tendency, of course, is to focus on everything he doesn't do, or doesn't do well enough, or doesn't do well enough by my standards. It is a rare occasion when I will point out what he does do, what he does well, or, difficult to imagine, I know, what he even does better than I do. My friend, the one with the curious Asian colleague, said that one of our used-to-be mutual friends told him once (and I've said it to my son's father before, too) that we shouldn't get credit for doing what we're supposed to do. But I'm with my friend..to hell with that! Why not? Don't call it credit, if that doesn't feel right, but how about just a little positive reinforcement?
I know men who, whether I agree or not, stay in unhappy marriages, because they want to be there every day for their children. I know men who have taken care of their children when their children's mothers left, only to have the mothers come back and wreak drama on their lives when they decided to step back in. I know fathers who pay child support, tuition, and more on time, but still don't have reasonable access to their children. My point is that there are good Black fathers among us. There are men who are struggling daily not to be that image that the term "Baby Daddy" may conjure up for some people. But many find themselves struggling not only against the image but also against us. Of course, there are a whole lot of raggedy men out there, but the ones who are trying deserve our support and our love...perhaps the ones who aren't do, too, but this isn't about them.
So, I just want to suggest that as Mamas we be honest with ourselves about whether we are missing opportunities to offer up a little positive reinforcement or a little more. This isn't about stroking his ego, it's about providing a little encouragement, a loving nod to the effort to do better for our children. I can only imagine how far a card on a day other than Father's Day, or a quick email or just a little "Atta Boy" (but don't call him "boy") goes in motivating a Black man who is stepping up to step a little higher.
Yeah, I may sound a little Pollyniqua-Annaish, but there is another story to be told about being Black in America...and it is ours to write together.
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